It’s been 567 days since I last saw Lew. The days after changed the story I had all written out. How naïve I was to think I had it all figured out. We would grow old together, travel in our retired years. BE US…..

Instead, it’s been quite the opposite. It’s been trying… trying to hold myself together, trying to take care of the immediate needs, trying to live without my partner, trying.

When I read this quote by Elisabeth Elliot — “Of one thing I am perfectly sure: God’s story never ends with ‘ashes’”
…… something stirred in me…..

HOPE.

After Lew died, I lost it. Hope that is, I kept asking, What was all of this for? Living a life without your best friend… There’s not even a word that truly describes it, maybe, It’s just the undoing of everything.

I have wrestled with self-pity, doubt, anger, overwhelm ….and yet, I have also found a voice, my voice, again.

I’ve always been the kind of person who wants to do something with my pain. I don’t like to sit in it for long. In fact, I rarely take pain medication unless I truly need it. Headache? I’ll try a glass of water first. Shoulder pain? Ice it. Broken tailbone? Sit gingerly (lol)… but you get what I’m saying.

With grief, the action sometimes looks very different. Sometimes the action is simply allowing grief to be where it is. It’s ok to not be ok. It’s ok to be ok. What’s not ok is ignoring it and letting it sit unaddressed…. so I have allowed the pain to be present. Watching the ebb and flow of my journey, I am sure you have as well.

Feelings and actions work together…. they create new thoughts in our brain. Some days are heavier and require you to lay down and rest. Other days are a gentle push through, where you get to see what you are capable of and celebrate that quiet victory inside of you.

The “Why us?” story is real. Why did death choose us? Why all the suffering? I have slowly come to a place of yielding….not fighting against what has happened but facing it. This is the story. I can’t run from it, change it, or fix it. I can only walk into it and let it unfold. When Lew was dying, I wanted so badly to fix it… At one point as he was laying there he looked at me…”Babe you can’t fix this…” I will never forget that moment…As I laid in his arms sobbing… I wanted to fix it all… I wanted to save him. In the end, that was not to be.

When I started documenting my story of grief, I did it for me…. my way to journal.

But as time went on, I realized how many of us were hurting and wanted to share your stories too. That’s how Grief and Me emerged…. not because I’m some great coach trying to make a profit, but because I needed other women around me and wanted them to share their story too.

That’s why when you first enter the room, I’ll ask you to share your story. Your story, like mine, helps us all. It’s not to hash up old wounds … but when we share our story, something shifts in our unconscious mind. We move from being trapped in survival mode to a place where our minds can process, integrate, and begin to heal.

I have wrestled with the God of the universe…. and He has allowed me to. But more and more, I’ve noticed He is guiding me toward something beyond the wrestling. I think He may be guiding you too, if you’re ready.

(If you are only a few months into this journey, remember, you don’t have to jump to this place yet.) This grief journey is an unfolding of us… we can only move with it and it doesn’t take away our sorrow… I believe it shows us something more than just sadness… that is all in the process of grief. There’s no fixing anything, or attaining anything, especially when you feel like just getting out of bed is all you can do today. I am all about being kind to ourselves.

I feel as though God is whispering: “I promise there will be beauty from ashes.”
“…to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.” — Isaiah 61:3

This promise…. that He will take this awful grief and create beauty from it…. still feels unreachable some days. How? I still feel so sad and most days undone. But I don’t think God is saying, “Stop being sad.”

Maybe, like David, He is saying: Take off the sackcloth and stand up.

What He is not saying is, “Enough now… stop feeling sorry for yourself,” but my child, “In your sorrow, I will guide you in this story. I will be with you.” “I know you didn’t ask for this story, I am with you…”

So, my sweet widow friend…..

What if the ashes you’re standing in today are already the soil where God is planting something you can’t yet see?

Hugs to you!!
See you Thursday!