What if this isn’t about trusting life again… but simply allowing life to meet you where you are?

Ah, trust……

I remember when Lew first died… I had prayed and I had prayed with belief… and yet, he died.

I remember every rainbow, thinking it was for him… only to later realize that God was actually bringing them to me. We still cling to those rainbows when they show up, it’s our connection to him somehow.

I can still see his face… I remember asking him if he was scared.

“No, I’m not scared,” he said. “But I will miss you most of all…..” It feels a little like when Dorthy was hugging the scarecrow one last time before she left…so tragic and so real.

I have replayed that moment a million times in my mind, probably more than a million.

He was so strong… and I was falling apart.
After he died, my trust meter went below ground.

I didn’t trust God, but he trusted me.. I didn’t trust myself, yet I was waking up every day… I didn’t trust life, even though it was continuing around me.

Now two years later (on Friday the 23rd of January)

I’ve learned how to rebuild my trust with God… slowly, painfully.

I believe now that He was with me all along… and of course, with my Lew too.

Maybe that strength Lew had was supernatural… maybe God gave him that strength in the end.
I know Lew was sorrow-filled… he didn’t want to go. He wanted a do over so that he could stay with us…. Breaks my heart just writing this.

But if this was it… my big Marine was going to face it.

And I… I’ve had to learn to trust myself again.
My abilities. My strength. My voice.
Not because I have it all figured out… but because I keep showing up.
This idea that life meets you where you’re at… it’s shifted everything.
It’s not about trying so hard.
It’s about allowing.

God, in His gentleness, has shown me—some of it the hard way—that I can be trusted to figure things out.

And I don’t have to get it all right.
Man, we humans… we want to do everything right before we move forward.
But how in the heck are we supposed to figure anything out… without actually doing it?

I heard a quote once—don’t know who said it—but it stuck with me:
“At any given moment, I assume two things…
First, that I’m radically wrong about something…
Second, that I have no idea what that thing is.”

If we could just trust who we are right now on the journey… not because we’re doing it perfectly, but because we’re doing it at all…

Grief is teaching me so much more about myself… and about the depth of the love I had with Lew. I questioned my love early on, because I was busying myself, crying was a daily thing early on, but when that slowed down, I wondered about my love..Did I love him enough?
After two years on this road we call grief, I have realized the depth of our love… WE are still connected even if he isn’t with me, there are moments I feel as if he is standing with me… guiding me, somehow.

I won’t be celebrating these last two years as that seems wrong, I will though, honor the love and the man who shaped me in ways I never knew before he left my world.

If you are wondering if you can make it, or maybe you’re even saying… I can’t…. you my love will make it.. it’s not easy and I am NOT saying I don’t have my grief waves days.. but, I will tell you this: EXPECT to find your way within this..EXPECT find your way….

Love and hugs
Gina