Just the other day, I remembered back to how a friend of mine mentioned that she needs to be strong, within her widowhood

There are people who see us daily getting up and living… they don’t understand that when they say things like “Your so strong” It can unnerve us because we feel weaker than ever. Just because we get up everyday and go to work doesn’t shine “You are so strong” It is what we need to do… but I offer this:

What if instead we named it STABILITY instead of strength. this softens so much for our brains to hold on to…

There’s a psychologist named John Bowlby who studied how deeply humans are wired for connection.
He discovered that when we bond with someone…. especially a primary figure, our nervous system attaches to them for safety.

When a baby’s mother leaves the room, the baby cries.
Not because the baby is weak. Of course not, but because their safety just walked out of sight. I mean when you think of this, you are so reminded of the fact that even as a mom, you would say..”Momma is right here, you’re going to be ok”

When momma returns? The baby settles. It might be a little bit until the baby settles, but eventually because of this attachment the baby now knows, mom is safe and if she leaves the room I am as well.

In our marriage, our husbands become that attachment figure. The one we glance at across the room. The one who steadies us with a touch. The one who regulates our nervous system without either of us even realizing it.

They become our familiar. So when Lew died…My body wasn’t just grieving emotionally.
My nervous system was scanning. Looking for his footsteps. Listening for his voice.
Waiting for the door to open. Waiting to hear his voice. He was my attachment to life. Where I felt safe.

And when he didn’t… Of course I felt unsteady. Of course you feel unsteady.
This isn’t weakness. This is attachment. Your brain is wired for connection. I talk about this all the time, we were created for partnership. Our brain is wired to protest this separation.

When you wake in the night and feel that jolt of loneliness…When you expect him to walk through the door… When you feel disoriented in a room that used to feel normal…
That is not you being dramatic. That is love wired into your nervous system.

And here is the gentle shift I want to offer you:
You do not need to be strong right now. You are learning to stabilize. Stability is quieter than strength. Strength pushes through, strength creates a place in your brain for danger to surround you.

Stability says:
“I am allowed to feel unsteady while I learn this new footing.”

I do also believe that our attachment system will reorganize over time, not because we stopped loving him or even that we are trying to replace him. BUT because our nervous system is slowly learning to believe that “I can survive this…”I am not broken”. If you are thinking… “NO, I won’t ever be ok”. I would gently share this, I know it doesn’t feel like you will survive this, but you will. It’s different, you’re different, BUT you will see life again.

So today, instead of asking yourself,
“Am I strong enough?” Or even I should be stronger…

Ask instead:
“What helps me feel 5% steadier right now?”
Remember, this is not a place for judgement, this is a place for you to find the gentleness that you deserve.

This is sacred work….and you are doing it.

Love you dear friends.
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