Yesterday I took a hike. I’ve gotten myself back into the rhythm of hiking again. It feels good to find a rhythm again.

As I got out of the car, I thought… I’m going to put music on instead of a podcast or a speaker. I just wanted to listen to something different. You know that feeling??

I have playlists, but I don’t use them often. I’m usually listening to whatever anyone else has playing in the house. But today it was just me and the dog going for our hike together…

As I got the dog hooked up to his leash and my earbuds in… I pushed play. No rhyme or reason, just play. The very first song was Lew’s favorite, “September.” As I took the first step up the hill, I started to cry and smile at the same time. Tears streamed because I felt him near me. I know that might sound funny, but I did. As the sun peeked through the trees, I bounded up the hill and felt a familiar love in the music filling my memories. I smiled up to him and said… “Oh hey there…”

When the song ended, a part of me wanted to play it again, but I just let the music unfold.

The very next song was “Piano Man.” Lew loved that one too. It was sentimental to him and now to me. The sun was sparkling through the trees as if it were reaching right into my soul. This time the smile came with big tears… tears for what was, and tears for what’s still to come. I talked to him as I walked and hoped he was okay. I felt as though the God of the universe… was showing me a glimpse of it all as I climbed that mountain.

It’s funny how a song brings you right back to a moment in time. There were moments of regret and moments of love. I shook off the regret because I knew those thoughts wouldn’t serve me. I know I wasn’t the perfect wife, I mean who is? … but I was his wife. He chose me. And he was madly in love with me. Which makes me smile.

I guess part of my regret is realizing how much I took that for granted. When you marry your best friend, you can’t replace that. He knew me. If you’re reading this, I know you’re nodding your head… they knew us, probably better than we knew ourselves. Just as we knew them. I knew regret was a thief of what was, so I allowed myself to just let the music take me up….

What came up was this:

Our lives here are but an instant… we, more than anyone, know that all too well. So, I find myself asking… what will you do with this time?

As I was being pulled up the hill, out of breath because the dog was tugging me forward, I thought… how poetic. I’m being pulled up. You’re being pulled up too. Even if you didn’t ask for it—especially since you didn’t ask for it.

This is where we, as widows, get to ask ourselves…
What do I want now?
How do I want to show up?
What if I stepped into life with my grief instead of waiting for it to leave?

It doesn’t have to be perfect. As I reached the top of that hill, wind in my hair and lungs burning, I felt a sense of pride. This old gal did it. She decided to get back up and start living…..even though she cried most of the way up remembering a life she once had.

I’ve talked about my new program, A New Way to Stand, and I’m excited because we’re doing this together. I just have a few tools that have helped me along the way. It doesn’t mean I’m “healed.” Honestly, I don’t know what that even looks like. What I do know is that I’m willing to explore what healing can look like in this life we’ve been given. Remember if you are wanting to be on the wait list make sure to email me back.. actually I love when you email me back either way!! 🙂

Love you girls. I believe with all my heart that meeting you isn’t by chance. It’s Divine. There’s a reason you were drawn to me, and I to you. We are sisters. If you are in the early stages of loss, you be kind to you. TAKE your time and allow yourself to just rest, don’t rush any of this, even if you want to. You are always in my thoughts and prayers!

What if, instead of trying to rebuild overnight, you started to climb through the rubble of what was… and each day, moved just one stone… learning to stand with your grief, not against it.

See you Thursday at 3 pm PST time zone. The link is in this blog!! See you soon my dear friends!!