As I walked up the stairs to my room I walked in, and a deep sadness came over me.  I missed Lew so much. It surprised me the emotions that flooded in.

If you don’t know by now, my kids and I all live together, it’s been such a gift since he died. We sort of homestead it here, but  in that moment, I felt alone. My person wasn’t there to make tea or sit beside me or simply take care of me the way he would have.

So I cried.

As widows, you understand this kind of moment. It’s hard to explain to anyone else. It’s not just emotional. It feels physical. Like your body remembers being cared for.

And when you are under the weather… it feels like emotions hit harder.

I could have gone back down and told my kids that, Hey, I miss dad… they already knew that though.

This was something only you guys would get.  It’s almost like you can’t really explain it… it’s more than just missing him, it’s a searching for what was my safe place.

I sat there for a while feeling sorry for myself, and then I paused and asked… okay Gina, what do you need right now?

You know how much I talk about regulation and how our nervous systems were wired for connection?  We co-regulated with our husbands without even thinking about it. They became our safe place. They were our attachment figure for so long….and when they’re gone, it’s not just emotional loneliness we feel. Our bodies miss that safety too.. Our nervous systems are searching for what used to calm us. That attachment figure is gone and we are searching for it.

I knew that….for now… I was it…I was learning to find myself in the mix of this stupid thing we call grief and yet, I knew I could create my own peace again… gently. No forcing it… just noticing what I needed in that moment.

After about 10 minutes of feeling a little sorry for myself.. which by the way isn’t wrong,  I just didn’t want to stay in that place for long… so what I did next is something I encourage you to do as well… When you are feeling off, like you can’t shake the feelings.  As always we have two choices, sit in the dang sadness or create some sort of peace even for just a little bit.  Neither are wrong…it’s more of asking the question… what do I want right now?

So,  I put my hand on my heart. I slowed my breathing.

I have noticed that when I put my hand on my chest it calms me.  I then just repeated…

Eventually I  went down and made some warm tea. Nothing big. Just simple.

I remembered something important. Two things were true at the same time.

I miss my husband deeply.
And I can still create a little peace for myself right here.

Maybe that’s part of widowhood… learning that our nervous system is searching for the person who used to calm us, and slowly learning how to offer a little bit of that safety to ourselves.

So if you find yourself in one of those moments, maybe you don’t have to fix anything. Maybe you simply feel what you feel, take one breath, and choose one small kindness for yourself.

You can be gentle with yourself here.

If you want something gentle to lean on between these letters and videos, I’ll leave the Gentle Grief Guide and A New Way to Stand wait list is available to get on.  Starting our next round of women in May

And if you’re not ready, just stay here with me. You’re always welcome in this space.

I am attaching a meditation for you if you are so inclined to take a few moments to find some gentleness within those moments where It feels heavy.  When Your body misses him. It’s about 5-6 minutes long.