This past week, I took a dear friend to the hospital. She needed to have a procedure done, and by all means, we were nervous. Her doctor had rushed things a bit and shared that her blood work was off, because she had lost so much weight, there was a concern about cancer.

She, however, was somewhat grounded and said,
“Well, no one in my family has ever had cancer.”
I loved her attitude. I loved her confidence.

As we entered the hospital, I found myself a little triggered. It wasn’t the same hospital Lew had been in, but it was a hospital nonetheless. Checking in, walking with her as she got prepped… was unnerving a bit. I was quiet, but there was an energy in the room that felt a bit high.

We prayed over her as she was taken back for the procedure. I didn’t share much of what I was feeling with the other widow who was there. I just kept it to myself. Trying to shrug it off.

We waited.

When she came out, the nurse told us she was cancer-free. We were elated!
The other sweet widow jumped up and said, “Our prayers worked. Jesus did a miracle.”

When I got home and told my daughter the story, I started to cry. I shared what was said… the prayers… the declaration that Jesus healed her.

And through tears I said,
“Where was my healing for Dad?”

She cried with me.

I knew in my heart that God had enveloped Lew in His arms the day he took his last breath. I do believe that. I believe he was with me throughout the darkness of the night before Lew died. I know all that to be true 100%.

But I also found myself saying,
“It is not well with my soul, God…”

That night, I woke up around 4:30 in the morning.

It felt like God was calling me to meet with Him.
Instead of laying there and letting my thoughts spiral, I turned on the light and began journaling. I told Him everything. What I thought. What I felt. I told Him that I knew He was with us… but that saying “it is well with my soul” wasn’t true for me right now… and I didn’t think it would ever be….

And in the quiet of that early morning, I sensed His gentleness.
“I know, my love… I know.”

Lately, I’ve seen women comment on my posts with those very words, “It is well with my soul”and I’ve found myself thinking,

Gina… for the love of God, you have sung these words to the masses… where is your faith?

But in that journaling moment, I didn’t feel judgment.
I felt a sweet presence.
A space to pour out my heart without needing to fix it.

Why am I telling you this?
Because, I still wonder why some people seem so at peace… while others feel completely undone by this kind of loss. Neither are wrong.

I believe this is why God drew me to start this support group.
So we can talk about the hard things.
So we can support each other in what is real….not just what sounds right.

The scripture that came to mind was Psalm 121:
“I lift my eyes to the hills—where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth…He will not let my foot be moved… He who keeps me will not slumber.. behold who keeps Israel, will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord is My keeper the Lord is the Shade at my right hand… The Sun will not hurt me by day nor the moon by night… The Lord is my keeper, the Lord is the shade at my right hand…from this time forth and forever more…..’

So my sweet friends…

Faith and Sorrow can go hand in hand. We can have the tiniest of faith AND we can have all the questions in our sorrow. God in his gentleness will guide us and our hearts to healing.

Our husbands blessed us. Their spirits are what still move us forward. Their laughs, their silly antics, The way their smile is now upon our children’s faces. The way they showed us life through their eyes. WE are always part of them even with them not being physically here. I’m forever grateful I was afforded this time with Lew.. He taught me so much and I know your husband taught you as well…now we bring them forward into the world. I know there is a New Way for us to walk with this grief.

Our men are a huge part of the reason we are still standing, even in the midst of this tragedy.

And if you find yourself struggling in your spiritual walk… if your faith feels shaky or uncertain…

You are not wrong.
I believe God, who is acquainted with grief, is with us.
Holding us.
Steadying us.
Reminding us that we still have a place in this world.
We are not forgotten.
I love you, ladies

PPS…You are beautiful my dearest friend~

If you want to keep the conversation going please comment to this email! I’d love to hear your thoughts. 🙂