I know a lovely widow. She was telling me her story.

She had been carrying so much guilt over not being able to save her husband. He died suddenly and she couldn’t revive him. It broke her, and in many ways, it has kept her from healing for years. She has been carrying this guilt and trauma for years. My heart broke for her.

She has been holding on to this thought that if only she had done something differently, maybe he would forgive her. She knew this was an irrational thought but she couldn’t shake that she might be the reason for his death. Guilt will never serve us.

And as I listened, I tenderly said, Oh friend… you didn’t do anything wrong. You did the best you could with the resources you had in that moment. We’ve never done this before and your husband would never hold that against you. What would it look like to release that guilt and set yourself free?

Here’s what guilt tends to do to us:
It keeps us tied to the past.
Your mind keeps replaying moments, looking for a different ending that doesn’t exist. It pulls you out of the present and back into a moment you can’t change.

It creates a sense of false responsibility.

You begin to believe that you had more control than you actually did. That somehow it was your job to prevent what happened. And that’s a heavy, unfair burden to carry.

I know for a fact that early on I had all of the thoughts that weren’t serving me.

I remember specifically one morning, coming down and saying,” I should have done this for dad…”
My daughter tenderly said, “MOM, if dad could tell you anything, He would say that YOU were a rockstar for him, I have never seen love like that before. You wouldn’t leave him and when you did, you would rush back up to serve him.” Her words made me think about how our thoughts can cause us harm at times especially in our grieving process. if we aren’t intentional about what we are saying to ourselves, we limit our healing.

This story made me think about you.
Are you holding on to the “I should have”?
I should have said I love you more
I should have called the doctor earlier
I should have stayed by his side and never left
I should have been a better wife
Why didn’t I…

None of these thoughts will ever serve you.

Even now, there are moments when a thought will come in and I gently say to myself, “Gina, you loved that man. You were never meant to be perfect in this.”

But how often do we sit in the “if only”?
If only I didn’t leave the room
If only I told him to come to bed earlier
If only I had kissed him one last time

First, let me say this. It is completely normal to have these thoughts. There is nothing wrong with you for thinking them. This is NOT another place for shame to live.

This is what the mind does when it is trying to make sense of something that makes no sense. When it is trying to find control in something that was never ours to control.

So what could help you right now when you feel the “I should” or the “I wish I would have”?

Start here.
Notice when these thoughts come up.
Is it in the middle of the night?
Is it when the house is quiet?
Is it when you are alone with your memories?
Just notice.
No judgment. No fixing. Just noticing.

Your brain is trying to adjust to a traumatic loss. It is trying to find its footing again. And finding your footing does not require you to judge yourself.

It requires something much softer.
It requires tenderness toward yourself.

And here is one more thing you can try.

When that thought comes in, instead of arguing with it, gently tell yourself the truth.

I did the best I could with what I knew in that moment
I loved him the best way I knew how
I was there in the ways that mattered

Let that be enough, even if your mind wants to resist it. Because remember, you weren’t meant to carry this load.

You are not here to rewrite the past.

You are here to hold yourself with compassion inside of your own widowhood journey.

If you want more support:
I offer a few ways to walk through this kind of healing more deeply, depending on what you need.
A guided space for widows
A more intimate coaching experience
Or a place to simply be supported as you navigate this season
You can take a look and see what feels aligned for you.

No pressure in any of this… I am on a mission to support you however you need.