I’ve been thinking about how, in the coaching world, we teach that a circumstance creates a thought, which creates a feeling, which creates an action, which eventually creates a result.

And in widowhood, so many of us quietly believe we are the exception to that rule.
Because we went through something traumatic.
Because losing our spouse is unlike anything else.
Our circumstance is REAL…Dammit

I’ve told myself at one point, “Well, that doesn’t apply to us… we’re widows.”

But as I’ve really sat with what our brains are capable of….and what we are capable of….it actually does make sense that our thoughts and feelings still create actions and results. None of it is wrong. None of it makes us broken.

• It just means that at some point, we get to ask the question:
  Do I want to keep this thought going?
  Thoughts like:
  • “The holidays are going to suck.”
  • “Everything feels heavy.”
  • “Year two is coming, I better brace myself.”
  • “I can’t make a life without him.”

  These thoughts are real thoughts, yet are they the thoughts that are tender to us? They rise up honestly. And they carry deep emotions, grief, fatigue, loneliness, fear, and anxiety about our future. I feel it too. Life is different. The holidays hit differently. We are trying to find our way in the mix of things and then we get thrown into “Happy Holidays” it sits so sour in our stomach.

  My plan this season is simple:
  To notice what I’m saying.
  To be kind to myself when I say it.
  And to pay attention to how I’m acting inside the swirl of these emotions.
  I’m not judging any of it.
  I’m only observing.
  And when I catch a moment where I think, “I don’t like how I feel after I say that,” I gently ask myself:

  Gina, what is the truth?
  The truth is: Lew died.
  I’m walking a road I never asked for.
  And my life is forever altered.

  But I will not be the voice that says, “My life is over.”
  Altered, yes.
  Over, no.

  And as we go into this holiday season, watching others move through it with ease or joy, we can choose to be gentler with ourselves than we’ve ever been before.
  Allow yourself to slow down.
  Notice what you’re saying and how you’re feeling.
  Pause when you need to.
  Let the emotion be what it is.

  We didn’t choose this path, but we do get to choose how kindly we walk it.

  So be gentle with your mind, tender with your heart, and patient with your pace.
  You’re not doing this wrong…..you’re simply learning to breathe in a life you never planned for.

  So to recap the coaching system:
  Circumstance: Lew died
  Thought: I miss him, and it makes sense that this hurts.
  Feeling: Compassion / tenderness
  Action:
  I speak more kindly to myself.
  I reach out to one safe person.
  I allow tears without judging them.
  I pause instead of spiraling.
  I take one small step toward caring for myself.
  I notice my thoughts instead of believing all of them.
  Result:
  I feel supported, even in the sadness.
  I begin to trust myself again.
  I’m not drowning….I’m navigating.
  I’m slowly building resilience.

  I hope this landed with you and just know…. I love and appreciate you all! If you are wanting to join our group of Grief and Me.. We meet on Thursdays at 3PM PST time zone. Can’t wait to meet you. Oh and if you haven’t grabbed my Gentle Grief Guide Link into my website @ginasevey.com Go to resources and you can get it there. Hoping it brings more awareness to you as we travel this rocky road of grief.